Managing Emotional Regulation When Holiday Expectations Don’t Match Reality

Many of us have a picture-perfect image in our heads of what the holidays are supposed to be - laughter, joy, cozy memories, magic. And often, that’s exactly what we get. Sometimes, though, it looks very different. 

The holidays can be overstimulating for anyone, but are a particular challenge for autistic kids. The combination of a change in routine, overwhelming events and unfamiliarity can very quickly create the perfect storm of dysregulation. If this sounds like a familiar occurrence, don’t worry - you’re not alone. With a bit of planning though, you can hold on to the holiday magic in a way that works best for your child and family. 

Why Holidays Can Create Internal Chaos

From an ABA perspective, it’s easy to see how the holidays can throw emotional regulation off its game. All at once, kids are dealing with:

• Disrupted routines (winter break, travel, family gatherings)

• Sensory overload (lights, sounds, new people, new foods, crowds)

• Unpredictable transitions (holiday events, activities and gatherings)

• Unexpected expectations (communicating with unfamiliar relatives, reactions to gifts, etc.)

Autistic children thrive on routine, predictability and structure - all things that go by the wayside during the holidays. Suddenly, the normal protocol feels abandoned in exchange for gatherings at potentially unfamiliar locations, a break from school, and the constant buzz of busyness. These changes can overload the child’s nervous system, which makes it harder for them to regulate their emotions. Once that happens, they are more likely to behave in a way that looks like ‘acting out’ to others, when really they are just trying to communicate that they are overwhelmed and anxious. 

Change Expectations, Change Everything

The most helpful advice we can give to make the holidays a more enjoyable experience for your family is to adjust expectations, both for yourself and for your child. There is no playbook for the perfect holiday, it’s all about what works for your family. Instead of trying to meet an idealized expectation, it’s more realistic and supportive to simply aim for a regulated one. In order to do that, it’s important to be prepared to:

• Leave gatherings or events early if necessary

• Skip high stress events or traditions 

• Let go of the idea of how things are “supposed” to be

• Plan for breaks

If you’re already working with your child using ABA strategies, you already know that progress and practice doesn’t disappear just because it’s the holiday season - it just may look a little different. Regulation is always the main goal, with celebration becoming easier to achieve when it’s prioritized. 

How To Support Emotional Regulation During The Holidays

Bloom Behavioral Healthcare wants everyone to have the best holiday experience possible. On that note, here are some ABA-informed strategies that can make a big difference in how the season plays out:

• Keep Things As Predictable As Possible: Keep your routine as normal as possible - mealtimes, bedtimes, visual schedules, etc. Anything you can keep going business as usual will be helpful in keeping your child regulated. 

• Prepare In Advance: Give your child enough time to grasp what changes are in store by discussing plans ahead of time, using visual supports and/or social stories to prepare them for upcoming events and activities. Knowing what to expect helps reduce anxiety. 

• Offer Choices When Possible: Having multiple choices gives children a sense of control, which is always a positive, especially during an unpredictable or overwhelming time. 

• Watch Your Child For Signs: Keep a close eye on your child to watch for signs they are starting to become dysregulated. If you can catch things early, you can take a break or provide a way to help them calm themselves to help prevent a bigger meltdown later.   

• Prioritize Connection: The holidays aren’t the time to test newer skills or assess progress. Don’t feel alarmed or discouraged if there’s an increase in dysregulation or behavioral issues. The most helpful and supportive thing you can do is stay calm, validate their feelings and focus on safety and connection. 

• Encourage Autonomy: Holiday gatherings often include many relatives, including some that your child may not see very frequently. This is a great chance to allow your child to practice bodily autonomy, making their own decisions on whether they want to engage in hugs, kisses or other forms of affection. Let them know that there is no expectation to do anything they are uncomfortable with, you are there to back them up, and they always have the opportunity to say no. 

• Keep Perspective: Progress isn’t linear, and the holidays don’t last forever. If certain situations don’t work out how you envisioned, it doesn’t mean there’s a lag in progress or things are moving backward. It’s just a challenging season! Being there for your child and helping them navigate the challenges of the holidays is meaningful on its own. 

Support Through The Holidays - And Beyond

Even if your holiday looks different from others - or even different from what you originally intended - that’s okay! That doesn’t mean it has to be any less magical. If you have found that times of change have been challenging, Bloom Behavioral Healthcare can help you support your child in a way that works best for them. Contact us to learn more about how ABA therapy can provide support that can help through the holidays and beyond.