When Autism Isn’t Obvious (To Others)

As a parent, you know your child more than anyone else. You are there from the very beginning with a front row seat to their growth, development, and personality. Because of that, you notice and understand things about them that others might not see as easily. Your child having an autism diagnosis may make complete sense to you, yet feel shocking to someone else. You may hear things like:

“They always seem fine when I see them!”

“They don’t act autistic!”

“I never would have guessed that.”

“But they’re such a good student!”

Most people mean well with these kinds of statements, but that doesn’t make them feel any less invalidating. You can choose to respond to these situations in whatever way makes you the most comfortable, but don’t let someone else’s limited perspective make you question what you know about your child. A handful of interactions with your child do not provide the same perspective as years of parenting, professional assessments, and your child’s own lived experiences. Remember that what others see is only a snapshot of the whole story.

Autism Is Not “One-Size-Fits-All”

While autism is characterized by certain shared traits, the way those things present from child to child can vary dramatically. No one should assume that autism is something that can be easily identified by sight or short interactions. A child can be verbal, social, affectionate, outgoing, and so on, while still having support needs. Those strengths don’t cancel out their challenges, and they don’t give a clear picture that includes every aspect of the child.

Different Environments, Different Needs

Challenges in autism can be situation and environment dependent. A child who does well during the day at school may break down as soon as they get home. A familiar setting may help them feel more at ease, while an entirely new environment may increase anxiety. Having a conversation with one person may go more smoothly than trying to talk to an entire group of people. When someone has only been around your child in specific scenarios, they can’t truly judge what is or isn’t going on with them. 

For some children, appearing fine can involve masking their discomfort or working hard to meet known expectations. What others don’t see is how much energy that effort can take, or the exhaustion and emotional release that may follow once they are somewhere they feel safe. Both versions of the child are genuine, the different responses simply being a reflection of how different experiences affect them.

When Support Makes Challenges Less Visible

Another thing that outsiders tend to miss is what goes on behind the scenes that leads to their encounter with the child. Imagine a relative who only sees them a few times a year at family gatherings, never noticing anything out of the ordinary. They may see a quiet, polite child who appears completely at ease. What they don’t see is the preparation put in before the gathering, or the headphones in your bag just in case. They don’t know that you fed them before you arrived since food can be difficult for them, or that you’ve made a plan together to leave at a certain time so they know exactly what to expect. What they see is the successful participation that appears seamless, not the support put in place to get there. That may be a reason why their needs aren’t obvious to others - because they are already being met.

Don’t Feel Obligated To Prove Your Child’s Struggles

When these comments come up again and again, parents may feel pressure to explain their child’s diagnosis or justify their accommodations. But just because someone hasn’t witnessed a situation they deem obvious enough to merit their agreement does not mean you have to go out of your way to change their view. As the primary caregiver in your child’s life, you know patterns that others don’t, see things they don’t see, and understand your child in ways that they don’t. An autism diagnosis isn’t up for interpretation, and your child shouldn’t have to visibly suffer to prove to anyone else they deserve support. 

How Bloom Behavioral Healthcare Can Help

Autism can look different for everyone, and at Bloom Behavioral Healthcare we don’t believe your child has to look like anyone else’s version of autism to deserve understanding and support. We can work with your child and family to recognize needs that may not be immediately obvious and understand how your child's behavior may differ across settings. Together, we can develop individualized goals to improve communication, emotional regulation, independence, and self-advocacy specific to their needs and challenges, not based on what others think autism “should” look like. 

If you’re interested in learning more about our compassionate ABA therapy and how it can help your family, please contact Bloom today.