When Traditional Parenting Advice Doesn’t Fit Your Autistic Child

Most people start their parenthood journey with a certain idea in their head about how they plan to parent. Much of this stems from how we ourselves were raised, what society models, and the inevitable anecdotal advice from other parents. As your child grows, those ideals may be challenged, both internally and externally. Not every child is the same, and therefore the way they are parented should be unique to them. Parenting a child with autism may genuinely require a different approach than what you are used to or had planned in your head - and that’s okay.

Outsiders may view certain behaviors or accommodations as unnecessary and offer advice based on their own experiences and perceptions. This can create a sense of shame, as if you’re not parenting correctly. The most important thing to remember, however, is that good parenting isn’t sticking to the guidelines you’ve inherited. It’s about understanding your own child and learning what they need to grow. 

Understanding Does Not Equal Giving In

As you learn the best ways to parent your child with autism, you’ll potentially run into comments from others. Some examples may include:

“If you give in now, they’ll always act like that.”

“Kids don’t need to know everything.”

“Don’t baby them.”

The thing that most people are missing is what the child’s behavior is trying to communicate. A child wearing noise-canceling headphones during a loud family dinner isn’t being “rude” or “babied” - they are using a tool that allows them to participate without feeling too overwhelmed. A child repeatedly asking when they’re leaving isn’t trying to control the plans - they may just need predictability to feel secure. Without that context, accommodations can come across as permissiveness. It isn’t as simple as others may perceive it, and you shouldn’t feel like a bad parent for doing things differently from another. 

Expectations Can Look Different

One common comment is a variation of  “they’ll have to learn to deal with things eventually.” While it’s true that children do need growth opportunities to develop resilience, how that looks can vary from child to child. What one child finds mildly uncomfortable, another may find completely overwhelming. You can still support your child through discomfort and set realistic goals to increase resilience, without leaving them feeling misunderstood and in a state of dysregulation. Not every path forward will look the same.

Parenting Can Vary Child to Child

Parenting not only can vary from family to family, it can even vary from child to child within the same family. Things can be fair without necessarily being equal. What works for your child with autism may not be what your other children need, and that can work well when executed with care. Your autistic child may need advance warning before changing gears, while another child can pivot through last-minute changes with ease. Maybe public events are fantastic for one, and overwhelming for another. Giving each child what they need doesn’t mean you are exhibiting favoritism, it just means you have taken the time to understand your child. 

When Others Don’t Understand

Many times, parents can feel comfortable and confident with their methods of parenting, until someone else gives their input. Grandparents, extended family members, friends, or even strangers may side eye or question your choices. You may hear that you’re letting them get away with too much, that they would never allow what you’re allowing, or that you’re not helping them in the long run. This can make parents feel incredibly judged and question themselves. Not only are you trying to learn and implement what your child needs, you’re hearing or wondering what everyone else thinks about it. Here’s the only thing you need to know: others are witnessing the accommodation without understanding the why. YOU understand the why, and someone else not understanding that doesn’t make your child’s needs any less real. You can explain it to them, if they are open to listening. Or you can simply thank them for their input and carry on. What’s important is that your child’s needs are understood and being met. 

Support Leads To Growth and Independence

Supporting your child in the way they need is going to be the best way to foster their confidence and independence. Accommodations may look like visual aids, communication supports, sensory tools, transition warnings, and other individualized tools. These supports can help lay the foundation your child needs to continue developing important skills and working toward a level of functional independence that is unique to them. They may be temporary or permanent accommodations - either of those are okay. 

Parent The Child In Front Of You

Here’s something that people often forget: parents are learning as they go, too. You may have held certain preconceived expectations about parenthood, and those can be difficult to part with. But you’re not abandoning those expectations, you’re simply adjusting how you help your child reach them. Parents have permission to grow, adapt, rethink, and pivot as needed. Instead of trying to fit a mold of what the perfect parent is supposed to be, you just need to focus on being the best parent you can for the child you have right in front of you. 

How ABA Therapy Can Help 

Meeting your child where they are is wonderful in theory, but that can be a challenge when you are also struggling to understand. Bloom Behavioral Healthcare can help your family understand what may be behind certain behaviors and work with you to identify the most useful supports. Through ABA therapy, your child's individual strengths and challenges can be identified and used to create realistic goals that encourage skill development, communication, and confidence. By basing these goals on their individual needs, we strengthen their independence and autonomy without forcing them into a specific mold. 

As you better understand your child’s needs, you may also feel more confident in your parenting and in responding to those who feel the need to question it. With a comprehensive approach through therapy, home, and school, we can lay the groundwork that will help your child thrive without trying to change who they are. Contact us to learn more.