A Childhood With No Performance Necessary

“Give them a real smile!”

“They’re talking to you - look at them!”

“Give Grandma a hug!” 

“Show them what you learned in school!” 

These are common phrases that a child may hear on a regular basis. At first glance, they feel normal, expected. They are statements made with the intention of guiding children to cultivate relationships, communicate with others, and develop manners. Those are important skills that should be encouraged, but with nuance. As an adult, many of us would not react kindly to being expected to demonstrate these abilities for others, whether we want to or not. There’s nothing inherently wrong with encouraging children to practice manners or engage with others. But when those requests become constant expectations, without room for a child’s comfort or preferences, the experience can begin to feel less like learning and more like performing. 

Skill Building Isn’t The Same As A Performance Requirement 

Most of the time, these requests come from a well-meaning place. However, there is a difference between teaching a skill and requiring a child to demonstrate it on demand.  Most parents aren’t trying to make their children perform. They just want to raise kind people who can navigate through the world. The challenge is remembering that not everything requires an immediate response or specific behavior. The ultimate goal of putting these things into practice should be to give the child skills that will benefit them, not just to reassure surrounding adults that they have the skills. So, how do we teach skills without forcing them? The trick is to find the core reason for the request and then translate that to your child in a way that works for them. Some examples include:

• Greetings: You can explain the importance of greeting someone you know without requiring a cheerful verbal greeting. Their way of greeting someone in a way that feels comfortable to them may be a head nod, a fist bump, a high five, or a greeting via AAC (Augmentative and Alternative Communication).

• Connection: Connection comes in many forms, and doesn’t need to come from forced affection. Physical contact can be very uncomfortable for some children, especially with people they aren’t very familiar with. Rather than helping them feel connected, unwanted physical contact can make a child uncomfortable or more reluctant to engage.  Allow them to connect with people how they want to - a shared interest, sitting side-by-side, parallel play. 

• Conversation: Communication is important, but doesn’t look the same for everybody. Conversation skills can be built over time without forcing a child to answer every question asked of them by an adult. 

Manners are a good skill to learn, but it’s important to remember that not all learning comes from a response-required demand. Many skills can be taught through modeling behavior, social stories, and casual conversation rather than through uncomfortable experiences. 

Respecting Personal Boundaries

Allowing a child ownership of their own body is important. The confidence to communicate what they are or are not okay with can help build a sense of autonomy that will help them advocate for themselves as they grow. This means that they give the final say on physical affection like hugs, kisses, or any other physical greeting. They choose whether they sit on someone’s lap, allow tickling, or play a physical game. This can be a difficult subject to broach with family members who may take their disinterest as a rejection or sign of disrespect. You can explain to family members that you’re teaching your child they have the right to decline unwanted physical affection without feeling guilty or needing to apologize. Learning the importance of boundaries and how to self-advocate are life skills that go far beyond childhood. You can offer your child alternative ideas such as a high five, fist bump, verbal greeting, or simply a wave. 

Social Looks Different For Everyone

A child who doesn’t appear particularly social may just be socializing in their own way. They don’t have to engage in nonstop conversation or be the life of the party to be enjoying a social experience. Some children may prefer playing next to their peers instead of directly with them. They may be more of a listener than a talker, or need more time to respond than others might. They may connect more with someone who shares in their interests, or do better in smaller groups. A child who appears quiet or calm doesn’t need to be coaxed into pretending to be a version of social that others expect. They may be just as engaged and involved as others, just in their own way.

Home Should Feel Safe

Despite the best intentions, children are always being watched in some way by the adults around them as we monitor their growth and development. A child who has school, therapies, behavior plans, developmental milestones, doctor visits, etc. can especially feel like they have a lot of adults watching what they do. That’s a lot of pressure to meet expectations and perform requests. Home should also be a place where children have opportunities to exist without being evaluated, prompted, or encouraged to turn every moment into an opportunity for improvement. A place to play just for fun, talk about what they want, sit in silence, and just be as wonderfully weird as kids can be without the fear of judgment. 

Manners In A Way That Matters

There are certain values and expectations that parents have for their children, including practicing good manners. There’s no question about the importance of learning kindness, gratitude, and situationally appropriate behavior. But it’s worth considering whether the expectations we’re placing on children are helping them understand and practice respect, or simply teaching them how to appear respectful to others. Children can still learn the values you want them to learn through approaches that honor their comfort, abilities, and individuality. 

Accepting a child as they are can help them build confidence that will lend itself to skill building over time. When they feel safe, making mistakes can create conversation and growth as they keep trying instead of withdrawing out of fear. 

How Bloom Behavioral Healthcare Can Help

Childhood is the time for learning and growing, but it’s also time to just simply be. Growth can come in many ways without a child feeling the need to perform a version of themselves they believe others expect. It can be difficult to determine the best ways to guide your child in a way that best suits them, but there are ways to help. Compassionate ABA therapy can help build skills that improve communication, self-advocacy, social interaction, and independence in a way that boosts your child’s quality of life rather than aiming to make behavior appear more “typical.” At Bloom Behavioral Healthcare, we work with families to build skills meaningfully while respecting the individual child, incorporating their specific strengths, challenges, interests, and preferences. 

If you would like to learn more about how individualized ABA therapy can help your child thrive, please contact us anytime.